A meeting over coffee between Sir Humphrey Appleby and Malcolm Tucker.
Wednesday 20th June.
Sir Humphrey: You know, I’m getting rather worried by this chap Gove. He seems to think he’s about to become the next Prime Minister and is starting to act like he is already.
Tucker: I don’t give a ****** **** about your ******* minister. I’ve got to come up with some way of deflecting media interest in tomorrow’s ****** doctors’ strike, and there’s a rumour that everyone is about to find out about our nice little K2 tax-free investments.
SH: Ah, yes, I see what you mean. We certainly don’t want either of those to be the top story. Hmm. I wonder if there’s a way we can kill two birds with one stone?
Tucker: Go, on then, *********, tell me something I haven’t ******* thought of already
SH: Well, you know how Gove has always wanted to reintroduce O levels to increase our international credibility, even if it does mean more children failing their exams? It so happens that a copy of some rough notes he made a while ago in his jotter ended up on my desk the other day. The ramblings of a lunatic, and it would never get through cabinet of course, but we might be able to, say, if you know what I mean, arrange a leak to a well-known tabloid? They’ll have a field day with it.
Tucker: Yes, and of course, with both Cameron and Clegg safely out of the country, they’ll be out of the loop. They’ll be ******* furious when they find out.
SH: And to keep the story running through the day we can call Gove to the House to answer questions. I’m sure we can rely on him to make it sound like a definite policy, rather than just a proposal.
Tucker: Right, that’s ******** decided then. I’d give anything to see the look on Govey’s **** face when he’s summoned to the Headmaster’s office on Monday morning to ******* explain himself, and he realises he’s been well and truly set up…. He’ll be in detention for the next six months!
SH: Good, I’m glad that’s sorted. Now we can move on to the really important issue – it’s starting to look like we are going to need to come up with a new tax avoidance scheme…