What if…?

Malcolm McDowell in a still from Lindsay Anderson’s classic 1968 film ‘If’

There have recently been some rumours that nice Mr Gove may be heading for the Treasury in a late-summer re-shuffle. What if these reports prove to be correct….?

Dateline March 2013. Budget Day.

Today Chancellor Gove announced that the only way to avoid rising levels of inflation was to introduce a new much more rigorous hard currency, which will consist of pounds, shillings and pence, just like in the good old days of the 1950’s, before he was old enough to remember what it was actually like.

However, the new currency will only be available for use by a relatively small percentage of the population who know their twelve times table off by heart by the time they are eleven years old – a preparatory measure he cleverly introduced during his time as education minister. The rest of the population will be expected to return to a softer, more vocationally orientated barter system.

Chancellor Gove then went on to confirm his intention to set up a series of ‘Free’ banks, able to choose their own interest rates and employ anyone they want – formal qualifications in finance will not be required. “We have all used money at some point in our lives” he said “so it is something we are all experts in already.” However he revealed that he has asked the new education minister to introduce a weekly double-dip lesson in Economics in our schools. It is also expected that in future, retired members of the armed forces will be recruited to help ensure the security of the banking system.

Meanwhile there is also to be a major overhaul of credit repayment schemes. In future, monthly modular repayments, with opportunities for extensions, will be banned. Instead debts must be paid off in full in a single installment at the end of a two year period.

Finally, existing banks that succeed in awarding excessive bonuses to five or more directors will be awarded the prestigious eBancc certificate, which will help ensure entry into Higher Banking.

On Twitter, the former ‘GoveMustGo’ hashtag has been replaced by #SendGoveBackToEducation.

So let’s just hope Cameron doesn’t do a U turn on his recent statement that Osborne is “not going anywhere”. You can say that again.

And please, in the meanwhile, no more quantitative sleasing.

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