Left feeling sick as a parrot
There were controversial scenes at a recent GCSE English league football match in which the goalposts were inexplicably shifted several yards to the far right, just as the lower-league’s left-wing striker was about to score, ensuring the shot went narrowly wide of the mark.
A spokesperson for the losing team stated: “This makes a complete nonsense of the extensive use we have made of performance metrics, predictive scoreline analytics and information goal-line technology. It feels like we are going right back to square one, just how the game was played back in the 1950s. Now there is likely to be the need for extra time and a high number of replays and sweet FA appeals. We already have more players sitting on the benchmark than we would like. Achieving five or more good passes on the pitch at this level is already quite a challenge for some of them.
Meanwhile the manager of the victorious Mudchester Govers explained that the decision to move the goalposts at the very last moment had been taken in order to ensure a reversal of the goal inflation that has crept into the game over recent years and which favored weaker sides. “As soon as these lower-league teams convert to becoming football academies the better”, he said.
However, he rigorously denied giving the order to move the goalposts mid-match, explaining that that was entirely the referee’s decision and as such something he would of course never dream of interfering with. The fact that he is the person about to decide which referees will be allowed to continue in the future has nothing at all whatsoever to do with it, he didn’t add.