Once again All Change Please! has been privileged to receive a classified transcript of a discussion that took place a couple of months ago between Yes Minister’s Sir Humphrey Appleby and The Thick of It’s Malcolm Tucker…
Sir Humphrey: Ah! Malcolm, good to see you again. Tell me how is your education minister getting on? Has he come up with any more daft new schemes recently?
Malcolm Tucker: I can’t imagine how things could get any worse. How on earth am I going to put a positive spin on the fact that he’s well and truly f***** up teacher recruitment and there is about to be a national shortage of Primary teachers and Secondary Maths and Science teachers? There may be a silent g in gnat, but there’s soon going to be no f in physics if we don’t train some more teachers pretty quickly. Not to mention the teachers’ strikes due next term, and the fuss over the reform of A levels. I just wish he’d never been born…
SH: Well, funny you should say that – I had been thinking, wouldn’t it be good if someone could go back in time, and, how should I put it, ensure that Michael Gove never got into politics in the first place?
SH: Precisely. And I’ve heard on the grapevine that they will soon be looking for a new Doctor Who, and I thought perhaps you should apply for the job, and then go back in time and encourage Gove to follow a completely different career?
MT: That’s a f****** amazing idea. You’re the Master, Sir Humphrey.
SH: Yes. Indeed. Probably more so than you will ever realise. Well off you go then – you’ve an audition to attend.
Malcolm Tucker exists only to return in what seems no time at all.
SH: Ah Malcolm, that was quick. So did you get the part?
MT: Not only did I get the part, but I’ve been travelling back and forth through time and space for several years now. And I did a deal with some old acquaintances that should have fixed that Michael Gove good and proper.
SH: Michael Gove? Who’s he? I don’t think I’ve heard of him? Oh yes, wait a minute isn’t he that second rate film actor from the mid 1990s?
MT: Errr. Yes, of course. Never mind about him then. So tell me, how’s the current education minister doing?
SH: Ah, you mean Michael Davros? I thought the whole idea was that you were going to do something about him? He’s worse than terrible. First he instigated a new DALEK inspection team, which might have worked well, only they would insist on completely exterminating failing schools. Unfortunately that included the children, and most of the parents were none too pleased about that. And then when he announced he was going to bring in migrants to teach maths and science, we didn’t realise that he intended to recruit the Cybermen. You can imagine the reaction when an army of robots marched in through the school gates!
MT: Holy c***. Sounds like I really f***** up. Jesus Christ, what an almighty omnishables. Just a minute – I think I feel a regeneration coming on. That’s a stroke of luck. Fancy being my new companion Sir Humphrey?
SH: No, Doctor…. Tempus Fugit, as no one says anymore.
MT: Now where did I leave the TARDIS? Oh yes, somewhere on Earls Court Road I think…