Terminal Report

school-assemblyA typical English School from both 1968 and 2014

All Change Please! has just received a copy of a speech made at the end of last term by the Headteacher of a school near you.

Well boys, as the end of the Michaelmas Term draws nigh here at the Michael Gove Academy Comprehensive Free Grammar High School it is time to reflect on the past year. I must of course first highlight the outstanding number of students who achieved entrance to an Oxbridge College, and with the record number of Open Scholarships being awarded. Our A level and GCSE grades were also the best ever recorded. As you know I dislike highlighting the success of individual departments, but this year the results in English, Pure Mathematics and Science were exceptional. Meanwhile on the Sports field we excelled in Rugby, Cricket and Rowing, easily out-playing all local and national sides.

But I must also of course mention the recreational subjects such as Art, Music and Drama that provide you with some well-earned respite from the demands of your academic studies. In Drama we were enthralled by the performance of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar put on by the English department and the Middle School. I must confess I dislike modern, populist interpretations of such classic works, and so I was delighted that it was set in Ancient Rome and performed in Latin. Then of course there were the exciting annual visits to see the Gleaming Spires of Oxbridge and Cambridge, and the outings to the Houses of Parliament and the Old Bailey.

It is of course sad when members of staff leave us, and it is with such regret that at the end of this term, due to the decline in numbers taking the subject, we must say goodbye to Miss Paint, our part-time art teacher. We also say farewell to Mr Word, Head of ICT, as of course there is no longer any need to learn how to use computers, but he will shortly be replaced by Mr Coding. Meanwhile our Careers Master, Mr Jobsworth, is also retiring, fortuitously as it happens as funding for his post has been withdrawn by the government. His strong, ideology-led  left-wing bias will be greatly missed. However, with everyone now bound for a Russell Group University anyway and a job for life, this will allow greater funds to be made available where they are really needed. And indeed we have been fortunate to secure the services of Dr Wu, who next term will be teaching us all how to speak Mandarin.

But Christmas is also a time to think of others, less fortunate than ourselves. So let us pause to think for a moment about those children who attend so-called 20th Century schools and are often forced against their will to work together, or ‘collaborate’ as I believe the term is. They are regularly asked to do projects and solve creative problems, but fail miserably in doing so due to their complete lack of knowledge and lack of rigor. And as a result they are quite unable to write essays or participate in their school Debating Societies. These poor souls will likely spend their sad and miserable lives perhaps running businesses, working demeaningly in the Creative Arts, or becoming popular entertainers or social workers.

So, let us end with our traditional Christmas Cheer. All together now:

Three hearty cheers for Gove!
(For who?)
For Gove –
(Why, what did he do?)
I thought you knew;
He saved our schools from the future!
3 Cheers for the wonderful Gove!


“If the person you are talking to doesn’t appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.” (AA Milne)

Of course, as we all know, in reality Michael the Gove was a Minister of Very Little Brain.

Lower image credit: Ernest H (no relation) Shepard

3 comments on “Terminal Report

  1. Hits the spot.
    “Gove’s clever,” said Pooh thoughtfully.
    “Yes,” said Piglet, “Gove’s clever.”
    “And he has Brain.”
    “Yes,” said Piglet, “Gove has Brain.”
    There was a long silence.
    “I suppose,” said Pooh, “that that’s why he never understands anything.”

  2. Cracking way to start the new year. Have disseminated to a select few in the staff room.
    Have you considered that Gove, rather than having a connection with the Enchanted Wood, was probably really a Clanger?

    • Well he has certainly dropped a few good clangers in his time! And I can well believe he lives on a small blue planet. I think he would have to be Major Clanger who apparently was the father and head of the family, and determined to get all things right on their planet, and can be grumpy…

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