All Change Please! has somehow managed to obtain a transcript of a new BBC spoof ‘fly on the wall’ documentary intended as a replacement for the successful political satire ‘In The Thick Of It’ series. Here’s an excerpt…
Narr: “It’s the first day of term at the DfE Free Academy. As all the staff were made redundant at the end of last term, everyone is new.”
“Ah, you must be Nick. I’m Nicky Morgove, the new Headteacher.”
“Hi Nicky, yes I’m Nick. Pleased to meet you.”
“Nick, have you seen Nick yet? He’s late, and I think we all need to meet up together.”
“Hey Nicky, it’s me Nick!”
“Ah Nick. Great. You got here in just the nick of time.”
“Yes, and sorry I may have nicked your parking space.”
“So, Nick, let me introduce you to Nick.”
“Gosh, what have you done to your face?”
“Ah, I nicked myself while shaving this morning. I haven’t quite got the knack yet.
“OK, let’s begin. What are your thoughts Nick?”
“Well, without appearing to take the Mickey Gove, education seems in pretty good nick to me.”
“So, that’s a tick then?”
“Oh, hold on a moment, I’ll have to take this call. It’s from Clegg. Hi Nick!”
“This is going to get confusing isn’t it, I mean with us all being called Nick?”
“Yes, I agree. But I’m not going to get my knickers in a twist about it.”
“Wait I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we come up with nick-names for each other?”
“Ok. Good idea. Well I’m in charge so I shall be Nicky, but Nick, you can be Nacky, and Nick, you can be Noo. How about that?”
“Err. Where did you get the idea for those monikers from?”
“Well according to my intern who has just looked it up on the interwebworld thingy, the original phrase was used by Ken Dodd in the 1960s and went: ‘Nick nack nick nack nicky nacky noo’.”
“Is your intern called called Nick, by any chance?”
“No, actually, he’s a Dick.”
“Ah, Nicky, I was going to say – about the GCSE English set texts. I think all students should have to read Nicholas Nickleby, don’t you?”
“Yes, that’s a great idea!. Oh, in that case I also suggest A level students should study Lemony Snicket?”
“Well that’s all good then. And quite enough work for today. Now we’re at the DfE I think we all deserve a nice long holiday, just like the teachers get. I’m off to Nicosia. I shall probably buy lots of souvenirs – I just can’t resist those little nick-nacks. And I’m looking forward to wearing my nice new Nike trainers and going off for lots of picnics.”
“Hmm – sorry, but there’s a slight problem with that in that someone will need to be here during August to explain either why lots more students than usual have failed their exams, or why the results have been massaged to make it look like they improved as a result of Gove’s reforms.”
“Being a bit pernickety aren’t you Nick? I mean, there’s no need to panic.”
Well it’s just that Dave has said we have to be nice to teachers, not nasty, Nick.”
“Gosh, this is going to be more difficult than I expected. Anyone got a cigarette? I really need some nicotine.”
“No, sorry. Smoking makes me sick, Nick. But you can have a bite of my Snickers bar if you like.”
“There’s something else I’m a bit concerned about, Nick. How do you think teachers will react when they discover we all went to private schools?
“Well, let’s just not mention it and hope no-one notices?”
“Err, I’m afraid it seems they already have…” https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bs7PoSCCAAAKzcc.jpg:large
You just couldn’t make it up, could you? Anyway, at this point thankfully All Change Please! realises it just can’t take it anymore and leaves the room, takes its medication and has a refreshing cup of tea and a nice quiet lie down in a darkened room.
So, finally, hands up anyone who remembers John Patten? He was another somewhat deranged and abrasive secretary of State For Education who was in office from April 1992 until he was sacked on the 20th July 1994 – exactly 20 years ago.
Oh, and an extra mark for anyone who can name Michael Gove’s predecessor, who had a wider role, the good sense to leave things much as they were, and was in post from June 2007 to May 2010?
And one Special Scholarship Extension Question for Michael Gove only – Read this news item and write an essay entitled ‘Oh, dear what can the matter be‘ in which you describe exactly how it feels like to be seen as a complete and utter failure.