Following today’s announcement that 11 year olds who fail their KS2 SATS will be required to continue to retake them again and again and again until they pass, All Change Please! has learnt that the Conservatives also plan to rush through new legislation to ensure they are returned to power in the forthcoming election.
According to a top secret, highly confidential memo specially leaked for All Change Please! readers’ eyes only, in future any member of the electorate who fails to vote Tory will be required to cast their vote again and again until finally they end up putting their X in exactly the right box, next to the Conservative candidate.
Sir Hugh Dingbat-Smythe (Con), an anonymous Tory spokesperson, explained: ‘There will doubtless be a few maverick loony-left marxists who will claim that we should take different styles of policy into account, but this would be a waste of time because we know for a fact that our policies are the only ones that work, and it’s just a matter of forcing everyone to agree with us.’
In a desperate attempt to behave as proper professional journalists All Change Please! contacted Barbara Sturgeon, the popular Radio 2 and Radio Kent presenter, who is believed to be no relation whatsoever to Nicola Sturgeon, the SNP leader, but she was unavailable for comment. We therefore turned to our pet Millipede, Ed, but he had gone out to stretch his legs so was unable to confirm or deny his response.
The case continues.