Rough Justice?

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A Justice Department spokesperson has reported that one of Gove’s first priorities will be to introduce a new ‘Just Ice’ bill banning the addition of mixer drinks to spirits. Officials are busy trying to decide who’s going to be the one to tell him…

Around the country this weekend all those involved in education could be heard breathing a big sigh of relief as Herr Gove was assigned the job of, amongst other things, sorting out the prison service. Having once being put in detention while at school, he is obviously highly qualified for the post.

Gove will also bring with him his valuable experience of reforming the nation’s schools. All Change Please! has already seen rather leaky documents outlining his plans to lock prisoners in to what will be known as ‘classrooms’, where they will be required to sit still and in silence for up to 6 hours a day while being forced to listen to and memorise an endless stream of irrelevant facts, which they will be constantly tested on. Prisoners will be required to successfully complete a minimum of five years of hard EBacc subjects before they can be considered for parole.

Robby Hood, currently serving 20 years for taking variables from one side of an equation and giving them to the other, said. “It all sounds absolutely horrific. If this doesn’t stop us outlaws re-offending, nothing will. It will certainly make us think twice before risking actually learning anything worthwhile again.”

Meanwhile privileged wealthy offenders – such as bankers, lawyers, global company directors and former politicians – will be allowed to attend fee-paying public prisons, sometimes known as luxury hotels or cruise ships, where they will each have their own butler and maid service to help them re-adjust to normal life after their release.

Meanwhile it seems that Gove still plans to interfere with Nicky Morgove’s Department f-ing Education. It has been reported that he would like to see classrooms renamed as learning cells, and playgrounds will be renamed as exercise yards.

Examinations wiScreen Shot 2015-05-10 at 20.44.01ll in future be called Trials and marked by jurors, with children first entering pleas of ignorant or not-ignorant. Gove is also apparently keen to see bars added to windows to help children, or young offenders as they will now be called, feel more secure in their environment and to better prepare them for life after school. A spokesperson for the prestigious new Wormwood Scrubs Community Academy thought it doubtful that most students would notice the difference. The design for their new school uniform is shown on the right.


It is believed that in another five years time Gove hopes to become Minister for Health where he can develop a similar approach to hospitals and care homes. “It’s all part of my brilliant scheme to offer a cradle-to-grave experience of blind obedience, pain and suffering”, he refused to admit.

In related news, the BBC are considering re-making Grange Hill under the title of Porridge, and producing a new series of Dixon of Dock Green Free School.

Continue to reduce your blood pressure levels here:


Image credits: Flickr / Nattu and Wallyg

2 comments on “Rough Justice?

  1. If it all weren’t so close to the reality, then some of the above article would be funnier!

    I dread to think what Gove will do for the justice system, but at least criminals and prisoners may be on the receiving end of his foolery but I can’t help thinking there will be more miscarriages of justice in just his administration of it.

    There is certainly no justice in his sudden reappearance now that the election is over. Funny how he was hidden away for the last year.

    Speaking of election, how on earth did a person like that get voted in again for his constituency? What is the matter with those people in Surrey Heath?

    Love the Robby Hood idea, “…serving 20 years for taking variables from one side of an equation and giving them to the other,”. Sounds like what the bankers were doing all along and what the government has been doing for the last five years anyway? If only Robby had gone to Eton then I’m sure the matter could have been brushed under the carpet and explained as as simple misunderstanding.

    Talking of serving time, and as things seem to have turned out, it looks we all haven’t been given parole for good behaviour and actually have had our sentences extended for a whole five more years.

    There is no justice.

  2. The day the words ‘Gove’ and ‘justice’ appeared side by side, was the day satire died. Sorry: it’s all over…..

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