Janet and John Can’t Get No SATisfaction

Screenshot 2016-05-26 10.22.25

The other day All Change Please! was drivin’ in its car And that man came on the radio And he’s telling me more and more About some useless information Supposed to fire my imagination about how good regular high-stakes SATs are in schools. Oh, no, no, no!

Back in the present day the 2016 KS2 English Reading Booklet and Test have now finally been published so we can all see what the fuss has been about. They can be downloaded here.

The three short stories are quite extraordinary in their unbelievable inappropriateness to 10 year-olds living in the 21st Century. They paint a vivid picture of a long-gone fantasy world, in which there are no computers, socially-deprived housing estates or even sadly-deluded politicians.

The first story is a Royalist-inspired adventure in which two children, who might just as well have been called Janet and John, sneak off from a posh garden party. They row to an island in the middle of a lake to find a monument to a woman who married a prince and might have become Queen had she not been killed in a row between two families. For obvious reasons the woman’s name is not Diana, though, come to think of it, we’re not actually told it isn’t.

The second is a story set in colonial South Africa and is about white giraffe-riding, obviously a common experience for all children. All Change Please! didn’t believe it was possible to ride a giraffe until, unlike the 10-year-olds taking the test, it was able to check it out on the internet and discovered this article. Apparently giraffe-riding was a Chipperfield’s Circus act of the 1950s, which is probably where the author originally encountered it. Well, at least it wasn’t a black giraffe.

And lastly comes an Attenborough-style Natural History account of the demise of the dodo, complete with a ‘modern reconstruction’ of the bold Truth about what the bird looked like. All we can do is to hope that these tests quickly become as extinct as the dodo did.

Meanwhile the booklet is lavishly illustrated throughout in entirely authentic 1960’s children’s book artwork, which sadly All Change Please! is old enough to clearly recall.

 

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It’s not Rocket Surgery…

All Change Please! has therefore followed the man on the radio’s advice and duly fired up its imagination to anticipate that following the Df-ingE’s highly successful introduction of new high-standard KS2 tests in English and Maths – which most adults (and politicians) would be unable to pass – there are now proposals for one-size-fails-all SATs in other areas of the curriculum.

Just remember that the Df-ingE are convinced that children enjoy taking tests and showing off exactly how much they don’t know. And as is now well known, simply making something more difficult to achieve is guaranteed to raise standards and increase social mobility – something so obvious to anyone who once went to school themselves that it’s surprising that no-one has thought of it before…

As a result of a 6-year-old, already labelled an academic failure, successfully hacking into the Df-ingE’s rubber-keyed ZX Sinclair Spectrum computer, All Change Please! has been able to preview some extracts from the proposals for the new KS2 SATs.

Science: Children will be able to write an essay explaining the principles behind rocket science and the procedures involved in complex brain surgery, and present a convincing argument as to which one is actually the more difficult.

Mathematics: Children will be able to solve Einstein’s unsolved problem.

Geography: Children will be able to explain, using maps and diagrams, how the socio-economic and geo-physical nature of the area in which they live either makes it easier or more difficult for them to answer this question.

History: Children will be able to recite the Magna Carta in full in just a minute, without any hesitation, repetition or deviation.

Languages: Children will be able to translate the recent Education White Paper into Latin, and back again.

Art: Children will be able to use their painting by number skills to create a 100% accurate reproduction of the Constable’s ’The Hay Wain’.

Music: Children will be able to sing and accompany themselves in a performance of all six verses of ‘Rule Britannia’.

Design & Technology: Children will be able to design and make a working time machine that takes them back to the 1950s where they will discover that education was not as good then as the current government likes to think it was.

When asked for confirmation of the proposal, the Df-ingE’s anonymous errant AI computer ‘spokesperson’ app clicked and whirred, and switched itself off and on again a couple of times before automatically and erroneously spewing out the following standardised response:

‘The evidence is clear that every extra day of school missed can affect a pupil’s chance of gaining good GCSEs, which has a lasting effect on their life chances.’

Yes, indeed that’s probably true – every extra day spent outside school in the real world probably does have a lasting, very positive effect on a pupil’s life chances.

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