Team Df-ingE are Going for Gold

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In a few days time our TV screens will be saturated with coverage of the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio, and All Change Please! can’t help but be reminded of its very first post, published on the 28th October 2009 – so long ago that Labour were still in power. Sadly little has changed since then, except that ‘Gold’ has now been re-cast as ‘EBacc’. Here’s an extract:

The Olympic Games Committee made a surprise announcement today in which it stated that in future Gold medals will only be awarded to the winners of the 100 metres, which it considers to be the only true test of an athlete. Winners of other track events that involve at least some competitive speed running will only be awarded Silver medals, while other, so called ‘soft sports’ such as pole-vaulting or horse-riding will only gain winners Bronze medals. Team games, in which it is impossible to identify a single winner, and sports that can be played professionally, such as football and boxing, will still be offered as recreational fringe events, but no medals will be awarded. A spokesperson said ‘It’s essential not to further devalue the gold standard, and we hope that this action will encourage more athletes to train for and compete in the 100 metres’.

Crazy, and of course quite untrue. Except that in the UK that’s exactly how we view the current education system – we prepare everyone for success in one event that only a small proportion of entrants are capable of succeeding in. What makes it worse is that the one event is, by definition, ‘academic’ – theoretical rather than practical. An academic is ‘a person who works as a researcher (and usually teacher) at a university, college, or similar institution in post-secondary (tertiary) education’. Why is it that we all want our children to be brilliant academics, but are quick in a discussion to dismiss an idea as being ‘academic’, i.e. of theoretical rather than any practical relevance? As a result we have a nation full of trained 100 metre runners, the vast majority of whom have no chance of ever achieving Gold, and frequently see themselves, and are also seen by potential employers, as failures and as such un-equipped  for any other event, such as work in the outside work. And how much longer will the essay and the multiple choice question remain the main format for assessment, given that few jobs involve a great deal of essay writing or answering mcqs.

If the UK is to remain, or even become, in any way competitive in the global market place, it’s much too late therefore for a slow, evolutionary incremental shift in public opinion and institutional structures, curriculum and teaching method. We need to think the unthinkable. Nothing less than a short, sharp revolution in needed.

Since then, Nick Glibb’s Team Df-ingE’s EBacc has if anything made the situation even worse, as the latest announcement by the Olympic Games Committee reveals:

“In the latest attempt to further increase standards at the Olympic Games, and to provide greater opportunities for less wealthy athletes to win gold medals, we are announcing that in future 90% of athletes will be expected to enter for a broad and balanced range of seven gold medal competitive speed running events. Participants wishing to enter for further non-running based ‘soft’ bronze competitions and recreational team sports may do so if they wish, providing they still have enough time and energy left.”

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“Just think, if we’d been allowed to enter for the Shot Put instead of the 400 meters we might have won a medal!”

Lower image credit: Flickr/TiareScott

Top Fear: Within EU Without EU?

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All Change Please! was talking about the space between us all, and, with a vision of Brexmageddon in mind – the gathering of Tory, Labour, LibDems and SNP party members for a final battle that will bring about the end of Great Britain as we know it – it then managed to uncover the above image. This confirmed the rumours that have recently been circulating around Westminster that International Rescue have resigned (see Thunderbirds are Go 2) and a new team has been bought in to pull the strings that will manipulate the country through Project Fear.

It is believed that Lady Penelope is no longer playing Theresa May, with James May taking over the mission – the give-away clue being that they both share remarkably similar surnames. The Top Fear conspiracy theory was given further credibility when it was realised that Richard Hammond and Philip Hammond might also in fact be one and the same. Meanwhile Clarkson and Johnson are of course both well known for their similar on-screen buffoonery and xenophobic gaffes, suggesting a direct connection. This would help explain the trio’s reckless approach to testing out new policies to destruction, and the following recent government press-release:

“The all-new Theresa May’s right-hand drive hard-top government has just landed in your nearest constituencyship, and it’s ready to take you for a fast quick spin. It’s big, bold and the streamlined leadership just oozes power and confidence. At the same time though the drive towards Bexit is calm and measured and it’s even crisper on U turns. Sounds good? Of course it does.”

Further disturbing images have also been discovered showing Hammond, Johnson-Clarkson and May in a mid-way transition stage as they morphed in and out of disguise.

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It has also been suggested that newcomer Chris Evans had been involved, operating Michael Gove, a rumour fuelled by the curious co-incidence that they both resigned at the same time.

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As previously reported, Miss Piggy is the brains behind the new Education Secretary Justine GreenWing. However, rumours that Liam Fox is being played by Basil Brush have been strenuously denied.

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But finally, in the middle of our collective Brexistentialist crisis – in which we question the purpose of our own existence and daily way of living within or without the EU, find no satisfactory answer and suffer a loss of will to continue – the really bad news of the week is that the evil and odious Nick Glibbly at the Df-ingE even more than before, continues to be played by the evil, odious, speak-when-you’re-spoken-to, Headmaster-from-Hell Mr Glibby. Perhaps next there needs to be a referendum on whether to remain or leave the EBacc?

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At a time when we desperately need well designed and efficiently manufactured products and services of our own to sell abroad alongside the growth of our world-class, income-generating creative and performing arts, we continue to embark on preparing a generation of over-tested, ivory tower academics with little or no technical, design or business skills. We live in an age of turbo-charged car-crash politics, and as far as education and the curriculum are concerned, it’s Glibb who is currently in the driving seat and forcibly putting his foot down on the accelerator as he shifts seamlessly into Top Fear.

Photo-montages by All Change Please!

Breaking News… Miss Piggy to be new Education Secretary

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New PM Theresa May or May Not has announced the appointment of Miss Piggy as Secretary in a State about Education to join her Muppet cabinet. She will also be known as Justine Greening. It is believed Miss Piggy attended school in her youth, does not have any children and has a background in business, economics and accountancy, making her ideally qualified for the post. Meanwhile her earlier role of Secretary in a State about Transport means she should be in a good position to sort out the long-standing problem of school buses.

Kermit the Frog was unavailable for comment, but it is known that he continues to be unclear about their current relationship.

Meanwhile former education minister Elizabeth Trust Me I’m A Politician has been given the job of Justice Secretary, which, with this video clip in mind, is a little worrying, especially for Miss Piggy:

 

And so now with BoJo at the FO we can rest assured that Little Britain has a great future ahead as a world-class Heritage Theme Park in which visitors can experience first-hand what it was like to live in the last century when all pigs were equal, but some more so than others.

 

Image credit top right: Flickr/SimonDavis/DFID

Gove – but not forgotten?

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The Govinator updates his Facebook page

First of all, All Change Please! would like to bid a not-so-fond farewell to Michael Gove who has single-handedly dedicated his career to provide the source of much satire and amusement over the past 6 years. It’s a bit late, but at least now he’s discovered what it’s like to fail to reach the expected standard in a subject he apparently never wanted to do in the first place.

Meanwhile, back in the real world…

1s-5911677287_e5c5bc4431_b.jpgManagement for Dummies:  it’s as important to Plan and Check as it is to Do and Act…

Total Quality Management, or TQM, consists of organization-wide efforts to install and make permanent a climate in which an organization continuously improves its ability to deliver high-quality products and services to customers. TQM was one of the buzzwords of the late 1980s and early 1990s.

In its time working in the public and commercial worlds All Change Please! encountered some amazingly inept management that usually involved ill-advised human resource appointments, over-investment in inappropriately specified technologies, under-spend on marketing, systemic communication problems, inflexible administrative procedures and layer upon layer of blame culture – all of which contributed to a climate of complete inability to produce high quality products and services. So much so that All Change Please! decided to name it, and came up with the alternative acronym TCM, which stood for Total C**p Management. Thus the letters TCM became appended to many management announcements and directives posted on notice boards, and while it meant nothing to the management teams, communicated plenty to the work-force members in the know.

But in all All Change Please’s! lifetime of experience it has never encountered anything on the grand scale of the current omni-shambles that laughingly likes to call itself the UK parliament. Yet our politicians continue to carry on as before – concerned more with fast-moving Strictly Come X Factor Game of Thrones style contests to decide who will be the next party leaders rather than to actually doing anything in the immediate future to sort out the major meltdown they have collectively fueled. What the referendum revealed was the scale of the underlying problems of unemployment, low-pay, lack of affordable housing, underfunded public services and the depths of racism, all of which the majority of politicians seem happy to continue to ignore.

This is surely TCM of monumental proportions, and while certain media-savvy personality politicians have since resigned – without taking any subsequent responsibility for their actions – our government and democratic management structures and procedures remain completely unchanged. We live in age of highly toxic, compassionless, just deal with losing and move on ‘F**k You‘ politics where all that matters is who is best at lying, threatening and gambling to gain power though fear, intimidation and destruction, and at present there does not seem to be any mechanism for changing it.

Indeed as Tory MPs and the press successfully use Mothergate to rid themselves of Andrea Loathsome before the grass-roots party members have a chance to vote for her, Theresa May or May Not sort everything out – the only remaining applicant – has been offered the post of ‘morning-after woman’ tasked with the unpleasant and unenviable job of cleaning up the horrific mess left by the last administration after the previous night’s riotous shindig before all disappearing off to have a quiet lie down. As the media report May ‘sweeping’ into Number 10, as soon as the door shuts behind her she’ll be given a broom and told to start with the cabinet room floor.

Despite all this, things in the world of education seem to muddle along as usual. In the recent EBacc debate Nick Glibb continued to just keep repeating the same old out-of-date statistical nonsense and never actually answering the questions posed or seem to express any admission that there was perhaps the need to consider and discuss the issues being raised. Then the recent SATs test results revealed that, by a remarkable coincidence, while something in the region of 48% of 11 year-olds have now already been branded as failures and want to Leave school as soon as possible, 52% were on course for Oxbridge glory and voted to Remain. The problem is that, following the principles of FU politics, while the 52% will be rewarded with lessons leading to the narrow, highly academic EBacc, the 48% are also destined to spend five years following the same curriculum that the SATs have just demonstrated is entirely inappropriate for their needs, before eventually being forcibly relocated to a College of FE to undertake what will be seen to be lower-status vocational courses.

As All Change Please! writes we wait nervously to see who will be the next Education Secretary in a State, hoping and praying it won’t be offered to Ms Loathsome as an olive branch – after all she has had children and went to school once herself, so she’s eminently qualified for the job. And, even more importantly, will All Change Please! be able to come up with a suitably satirical new name for the lucky incumbent?

What we don’t know is whether the new appointee – and indeed Team Df-ingE – will simply continue with more of the same destructive ill-informed ’spin now and explore the consequences later’ approach, or take the opportunity to provide a much needed review of education problems and policies, and a fresh start. With Gove’s demise and the evidence of the extent of his mis-judgement and complete loss of credibility over Brexit, perhaps his equally absurd education policies can now be challenged more effectively?

 

Photo-montages by All Change Please!

Thunderbirds are Gove 2: May the force be with you?

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International Rescue have today come under heavy criticism of their handling of the EU referendum.  Their secret mission to run, and it now seems ruin, the UK government was memorably first identified by All Change Please! in July 2010. Alan Tracey was identified as being Michael Gove while Scott Tracey was pulling Cameron’s strings. Virgil continues to oversee the economy disguised as George Osborne while Lady Penelope masquerades as Theresa May and Sam-Cam is played by Tin-Tin.

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Six long years later, Alan ‘I never wanted to be PM’ Tracey and Lady Penelope are still playing an active role and are now set for a bitter internal battle to take over command: Lady P is currently the front runner – but what will become of Alan Tracey if he fails to win? Will he join Scott Tracey and Tin-Tin, who recently announced their retirement in order to spend more time with their money, hopefully never to be heard of again? Sadly there is still no sign of any Brains – nobody has heard from him in a very long time.

Now All Change Please! can also exclusively reveal that other agencies have been involved in undercover operations to control the UK. Obi-Wan Kenobi is of course well known to be disguised as Jeremy Corbyn.

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And it seems a rather confused, want-away, shall I stay or shall I go, here today and gone tomorrow, double-agent storm-trooper has secretly been in control of Boris Johnson all along.

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A spokespuppet for International Rescue said: “We are now preparing for two important new challenges – Brexit Wars and The EU Strikes Back.”

Meanwhile it is less clear who is animating Nigel Farage’s mouth and eyebrows, though there are rumours that Parker, Lady Penelope’s butler might be involved. Aloysius ‘Nosey’ Parker is of course well known as a reformed criminal, having previously served prison sentences for cat burglary and safecracking.

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Then there’s the sudden appearance on the scene of the terrifying and obnoxious Andrea Loathsome – who else could she really be but a certain Spitting Image creation come back to haunt us from the grave? Especially as she has just admitted she hopes to be the new Margaret Thatcher.

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But surely the most worrying revelation is that Rupert Murdoch – the man most determined to see the UK to leave Europe – is actually under the control of Dalek leader Davros.

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EXTERMINATE!  EXTERMINATE!

Some image credits:  Farage and Parker / Stormtrooper Johnson / Spitting Thatcher / Davros Murdoch