Coronavirus Explained: Alas Smith and Jones…

It’s been a while since All Change Please! has eavesdropped on the late Mel Smith, as the man who thinks he knows everything, and Griff Rhys Jones, as the man who knows he doesn’t know anything. In its continuing attempt to look on the bright side of life, or in this case the not-so-bright side, All Change Please! now reveals what they had to say about the Coronavirus crisis.

Jones: “What are you doing way over there? We usually sit close together, face to face. This isn’t going to work as well now everything on TV is in widescreen, is it? Or do I have a personal problem or something?

Smith: “Well yes, of course you do, but I’m social distancing, aren’t I? You’ll just have to speak up a bit…”

Jones: “So why are you doing that then?

Smith: “Because of this CV thing of course.”

Jones: “Oh, are you applying for a new job?

Smith: “No, no – it’s this Coronavirus epidural thing – though to be honest I’m not terribly worried about it myself. You see I used to drink a lot of Corona fizzy lemonade when it was a child, so I built up my resistance then, and then there was all that Corona beer I’ve drunk since which should act as a booster.”

Jones: “So have you been sucking up in a panic, buying?

Smith: “Something like that. As it happens I did go to the supermarket yesterday but it couldn’t get anywhere near the toilet tissues as it was full of people photographing the empty shelves. It’s just as well that they’ve now put a limit on the number of photos you can take.”

Jones: “What I want to know is whether this Coronavirus thing can infect my computer?

Smith: “No, I shouldn’t think so. Anyway just make sure you wash your hands after using it.”

Jones: “I must say I’m not looking forward to all this Lockdown Wrestling that apparently we’re all going to be placed in. And I’m a bit worried now my kids have been sent home from school. I’m not sure I’ll make a very good home-tutor.”

Smith: “Yes I think you’re probably right there. But what worries me most is that the government probably knows and understands as little about healthcare as it does about education. Apparently children no longer need to go to school and teachers can now be completely trusted to assess their performance..?”

Jones: “What do you make of this Sunak, the new chancellor then?”

Smith: “Well, he seems OK. But I think he should stick to writing children’s books. Being a Tory he’s certainly Where The Wild Things Are. And as for the Prime Minister…”

Jones: “You mean that clown Boris?

Smith: “No, don’t be daft – it’s that Demonic Cummings who’s running the country, along with this scientific expert Whitty chap.

Jones: “He’s a bit of a comedian then is he? Does he write Boris’s jokes or something?

Smith: “No – apparently he’s an epic seismologist.”

Jones: “Oh, is that so? Still I mean it’s not all bad news is it? After all, global air quality is improving, dolphins have been sighted in the Venetian canals, the BBC Question Time audience has been abolished and best of all, the Eurovision Song Contest has been cancelled…

Smith: “True. Very true. It’s an ill-wind that blows no-one any good.”

Jones: “What? You’re saying that the wind has caught the virus now?

Smith: “Isn’t it amazing how something so small could have such a big effect?”

Jones: “Yes, strangely my wife said exactly the same thing the other night. Anyway I must be going – I’m hoping to get in a quick bit of self-isolation before bedtime.”

Smith: “Right-ho! See you here same time tomorrow then? And do look after that nasty dry cough of yours…”

 

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