Art Failure at the MichaelGova School

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All Change Please! was interested to see that The Michaela ‘KNOWLEDGE IS POWER’ Community School was recently advertising for a new post in its Art Department: http://mcsbrent.co.uk/art-teacher-vacancy

Apparently:

“At KS3, pupils are taught the traditional techniques of drawing and painting and Art history. Lessons are ‘teacher-led’ as we believe it is the only way pupils can learn the appropriate skills to an expert level. Teachers show pupils exactly how to use each media in-depth step-by-step using the visualizer. There is no ‘guess work’ at Michaela. Pupils get to practice using the same media over and over again until the technique is mastered and perfected.”

“If you love art and know how to teach drawing, come and visit us at Michaela.  If you are in two minds, it is worth seeing what can be achieved in art when using our teaching methods.”

And it also states:

“We don’t offer lessons in ICT, DT..”

A full account of the Michaela guide to Mastery in Art and Music education can be found here.

But by yet another All Change Please! (Patent Applied For) Amazing Coincidence it seems that the nearby, and entirely fictitious, MichaelGova Community School is also recruiting further teaching staff for its Art Department. Somehow All Change Please! has exclusively managed to obtain a draft of the forthcoming press advertisement:

“At The MichaelGova ‘ABSOLUTE POWER CORRUPTS’ Community School, Art is about painting nice pictures over and over again until they look just like the work of great artists. We know everything about Art, but we don’t know what we like. An unkind visitor once upset some of our children by telling them that Art was about creating challenging new disruptive ideas, taking risks and being spontaneous and expressing oneself. He then spouted some mumbo-jumbo, snake-oil, neuromyth-nonsense that Art involved exploration, improvisation and messy experimentation in situations where there are no correct answers and that guessing and being intuitive were important in the real world. We asked him to leave the building immediately and never darken our doors again.

Pupils who in any way question what or how they are told to draw or paint are immediately isolated from other children and sent for a series of lunchtime re-progamming sessions in the Visualiser.

Meanwhile we take pride in refusing to teach our pupils anything about technology or problem-solving, knowing that they will be completely unprepared for life in the real, modern world. But as they will all become Oxbridge graduates unsuitable for any type of employment except for being a politician or a teacher in schools like ours, that won’t matter at all.

If you are in two minds about MichaelGova, please don’t apply. We only employ single-minded teachers.”

 

Sadly a picture is no longer worth 1000 words

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All Change Please! has recently had cause to learn a bit more about the forthcoming changes to A level examinations in Art & Design. Yes, that’s right, the ones that Michael, Mickey the Mixter Gove wants to make ‘more rigorous’. Anyway at a cost rumoured to be not that short of the amount Facebook recently paid for WhatsApp, vast amounts of tax payers’ money was allegedly spent on highly paid executive consultants, university professors and exam board directors in an attempt to develop higher A level specifications that would better prepare students for the higher demands of higher education. And after the usual round of excellent lunches, luxury hotels and personal visits from the dfSS to remind them that they didn’t want to end up unemployed, now did they?, they all simultaneously came up with and agreed on exciting new initiative that would do the job nicely. Yes, they decided that in future students taking Art & Design at A level would all be required to write a 1000+ word ‘continuous prose’ essay on something or other to do with Art & Design.

Now this does of course have one major advantage in terms of making the Art & Design teacher’s job a little bit easier. Because when a GCSE student asks “Please Miss, should I do A level Art & Design or take a BTEC in Art & Design next year?“, the answer suddenly becomes very simple and straight forward. If you get a A* to C grade in GCSE English then you should do A level, but if you don’t you would be better off doing a BTEC. No two-tier system here then…

However, All Change Please! thinks it only fair that this sort of approach is adopted in other subjects at the same time, and is most grateful to Tony Wheeler for coming up with the following set of proposals in which students will be required to:

  • dance their Science A level practical exam
  • mime a passage from Shakespeare in English Literature
  • make a conceptual installation representing WW1 reparations as part of A level History
  • improvise on a musical theme at Maths A level in order to resolve Pi to 6 decimal points

And that marks will be deducted for the inappropriate use of Fonts, excessive Underlining, poor choices of Colour, absence of letter Kerning and lack of use of Information Technology. Just as Spelling and Grammar are known by the acronym SPAG, this will of course also doubtless be referred to by its initial letters.

All Change Please! knows what it likes, and it’s certainly not a 1000+word essay…

Image credit: Wikimedia