Austerity Free Zones Unveiled

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George ‘Ozzy’ Osborne, as he’s not known to his friends, has today inaugurated Two Pancras Square and nearby Granary Square as the first UK Austerity Free Zone, with more to be established in central London and other wealthy suburbs of large cities in the near future. The zones will sub-divided into various Conspicuous Consumption Areas, where the stupidly rich are encouraged to display the full extent of their very extensive spending-power.

A UKAFZ spokesperson said:

“The aim is to give poor people something to aspire to and work harder for, even though they are currently no jobs available for them. Residents of AFZs will of course enjoy extensive tax-breaks and businesses within them will be able to trade VAT-free. We are however slightly concerned that other sectors of the population who have similar lifestyles, ie those who are on benefits and sit round all day enjoying themselves without paying any taxes, will try to move in.”

Meanwhile highly successful local businesses in AFZs will be able to apply to set up what will be highly profitable ‘Excessively Expensive Schools’, as opposed to the current ‘Free Schools’. A nearby hovering Df-ingE drone told All Change Please!:

“The EESchools will help give the extremely wealthy something to spend their money on, while at the same time it will free up places in the public schools for the merely ordinary wealthy. Teaching group sizes will be no larger than 1. Individual teachers will each be supported by a team of teaching assistants and a full-time secretary and a dedicated classroom cleaner.

Like the Free Schools the EESchools will be able to set their own curriculum, which we expect to include subjects such as ‘Wealth Management for the Idle Rich’, ‘How to spend a massive inheritance’ and ‘Tax-havens for beginners’. Compulsory specially-designed school uniforms will be available from Versace, shoes by Louis Vuitton with Dolce & Gabbanna trainers, while matching designer schoolbags can be obtained from Gucci. Catering will be provided by Harrods in conjunction with Dorchester Hotel Services Ltd.

This is all the result of the Government’s fully transparent Austerity Free Zone Consultation Process – which was so transparent that you could see straight through it – which the public fully endorsed by responding to questions about the best way to implement the policy, such as the relative importance they placed on various factors such as public space water features, unaffordable housing, access to expensive restaurants serving a global cuisine and exclusive designer shops, nearby heli-pad, etc.

If you want to know the location of your nearest AFZ, or think you might already be living in one, just leave a comment below and ACP will tell you exactly where to go…

Image © Tristram Shepard