Thunderbirds are Gove 2: May the force be with you?

1s-0401-2internationalrescue.jpg

International Rescue have today come under heavy criticism of their handling of the EU referendum.  Their secret mission to run, and it now seems ruin, the UK government was memorably first identified by All Change Please! in July 2010. Alan Tracey was identified as being Michael Gove while Scott Tracey was pulling Cameron’s strings. Virgil continues to oversee the economy disguised as George Osborne while Lady Penelope masquerades as Theresa May and Sam-Cam is played by Tin-Tin.

Screen shot 2010-07-18 at 18.06.48Screen shot 2010-07-18 at 18.07.24

Six long years later, Alan ‘I never wanted to be PM’ Tracey and Lady Penelope are still playing an active role and are now set for a bitter internal battle to take over command: Lady P is currently the front runner – but what will become of Alan Tracey if he fails to win? Will he join Scott Tracey and Tin-Tin, who recently announced their retirement in order to spend more time with their money, hopefully never to be heard of again? Sadly there is still no sign of any Brains – nobody has heard from him in a very long time.

Now All Change Please! can also exclusively reveal that other agencies have been involved in undercover operations to control the UK. Obi-Wan Kenobi is of course well known to be disguised as Jeremy Corbyn.

2015-09-14-64-Corbyn_Keno.3adb7

And it seems a rather confused, want-away, shall I stay or shall I go, here today and gone tomorrow, double-agent storm-trooper has secretly been in control of Boris Johnson all along.

2s-hqdefault-2.jpg

A spokespuppet for International Rescue said: “We are now preparing for two important new challenges – Brexit Wars and The EU Strikes Back.”

Meanwhile it is less clear who is animating Nigel Farage’s mouth and eyebrows, though there are rumours that Parker, Lady Penelope’s butler might be involved. Aloysius ‘Nosey’ Parker is of course well known as a reformed criminal, having previously served prison sentences for cat burglary and safecracking.

1s-22B2F43600000578-0-image-23_1416607142419

Then there’s the sudden appearance on the scene of the terrifying and obnoxious Andrea Loathsome – who else could she really be but a certain Spitting Image creation come back to haunt us from the grave? Especially as she has just admitted she hopes to be the new Margaret Thatcher.

EPH 9800

But surely the most worrying revelation is that Rupert Murdoch – the man most determined to see the UK to leave Europe – is actually under the control of Dalek leader Davros.

1s-8dd91a28like-davros.jpg

EXTERMINATE!  EXTERMINATE!

Some image credits:  Farage and Parker / Stormtrooper Johnson / Spitting Thatcher / Davros Murdoch

Curriculum Noir II: The Gove Legacy

Screen Shot 2014-09-23 at 15.10.23In his All Change Please! Guest Post Curriculum Noir last May, Philip Marlowe recounted the story of how he had searched in vain for the Arts in schools, discovered they were now only available in the local PaintEasy, and pleaded for the Blob to somehow find a way to overcome the Mob, led by the notorious Big Mickey Gove. So what’s happened since? Marlowe picks up the story…

I remember the day it happened – who doesn’t? There we all were outside Number 10 expecting maybe one or two of Gove’s henchmen to be taken out, when all of a sudden a big black van marked ‘Toxic Waste – Please Dispose Of Carefully‘ drove up and suddenly Mickey Gove was gone. Most teachers just stood there in silence, not believing the news. But as the day wore on, incredulity gave way to singing and dancing and lots of other things that Gove would not have approved of. No-one knew where he’d gone, and even fewer cared.

Then just a few days ago there was a knock on my office door and a tall, elderly gentleman entered. I recognised him immediately. It was the notorious, well past his retire-by-date, Lieutenant Wilshaw of the Flying Ofsted Squad.

“Marlowe”, he said, “My apologies for this no-notice visit, but I’ll come straight to the point. I’m worried about Mickey Gove. It’s been two months now and no-one’s seen him since the day he was taken. He seems to have just disappeared off the face of the earth.”

I wasn’t really listening to what he was telling me. While I waited for him to engage my interest I tipped back on my chair and texted a message to my secretary whilst gazing out of the window, but my attempt at low-level disruptive behaviour didn’t seem to put him off. Even lighting a cigarette didn’t get a reaction. I got the distinct feeling he wanted me to call him Sir all the time, but I had no intention of doing so.

“I’m concerned he’s been brainwashed in some way and is just walking the streets trying to work out who he is, or rather was. I was wondering if you could maybe find him for me?”

I remained silent, wondering why I should agree to take on such a task.

“I’ll pay you of course” he said, anticipating my thoughts, “or even better I could speak to someone who would make you chairman of a large academy chain. Or perhaps you could open a free school, if that’s what you’d like?”

That sounded a lot more tempting, but I still wasn’t convinced.

“It’s just that ever since the start of the new term the teachers have become very confused.” he continued. “Without Gove dictating what should be taught and when and how, they don’t seem to know what to do next. And now there is nothing to fight for anymore they are just aimlessly walking around the school corridors like zombies.

“OK”, I said, reluctantly. “In that case I’ll see what I an do”.

“Thank you Mr Marlowe. That’s a satisfactory response. Good of you to help. Very good – in fact, outstanding. Use any special measures you need to. You must excuse my limited vocabulary – it comes with the job. Err – you will keep me fully updated, won’t you?”

I thought I’d begin by checking up on Delores Anass and find out how she was settling into the new term, and whether or not she’d turned into a zombie. Arriving at the school I walked passed the dance studio where Edward (AKA Sir Ken) Robinson was in full flow, giving another of his motivational lectures. Then I came to the IT suite where the ICT co-ordinator was desperately trying to learn two coding languages just in order to keep up with the kids. Meanwhile outside on the school field someone was quietly stringing together a Daisy chain of academies.

Delores was looking as stunning as ever – like she’d just stepped off the cover of a glossy school prospectus.  She could sure keep me in detention anytime she liked. But I could tell she wasn’t happy.

“I don’t know what to do about the new KS3 curriculum.” she said. “I’m trying to deliver it as required but the children don’t seem to have any idea what I’m talking about. It’s almost as if they just haven’t yet covered the much higher demands and expectations of KS2 in their Primary schools, so that makes it quite impossible. And as for these new GCSE grades, well they’re so much nonsense, aren’t they? It’s just replacing letters with numbers and adding a 9 to fool people into thinking somehow that makes it louder. Perhaps next time they’ll use colours instead – for example, you could have Green for ‘Pass’, Yellow for ‘Get Ready To Pass’ and Red for ‘Stop and Repeat’. That would be much better, wouldn’t it?”

I looked around and checked out the notorious art room sinks, but in this case they were gleaming white: this was clearly a clean sink school. On her desk I noticed a cracked, not-so-young Toby jug crammed full of bald paintbrushes. I wandered towards the art storeroom door, but noticed Delores suddenly seemed uneasy, as if she was trying to hide something.

“No, Marlowe, No.” she pleaded. “Please don’t go in there. It’s not safe. You might not like what you find. It’s – where I keep my whips, if you get my meaning.”

I wondered if this was a side of Dolores I didn’t know about, or whether she perhaps just had a penchant for Walnut Whips, but then I made the connection. I had my hunches about what, or rather who, might be in there, but I decided to let sleeping dogs lie. If that’s where Gove was, he couldn’t do any further harm.

Back at the office I rang Lt. Wilshaw. I told him I thought I’d found Gove and he was well out of harm’s way, but I was afraid I couldn’t reveal his whereabouts. Wilshaw sounded relieved, but still not happy – I guessed perhaps he’d really wanted to get to Gove himself so he could finish the job off properly. It could only happen in education.

The bell to signal the end of school for the day rang somewhere in my head and I decided it was time to head for home. Gove may be gone – for now at least – but there’s no doubt his legacy will live on for some time. It’s going to be a while before the Blob manage to take control of education again, and Big Mickey’s Mob are never going to be far behind. I wasn’t feeling human tonight, but at least I hadn’t turned into a zombie. Not yet, anyway.

Screen Shot 2014-09-24 at 20.38.50

Lower image credit: Flickr/emiliano-iko

What Ho! Gove

Television - JEEVES AND WOOSTER

Hugh Laurie as Bertie Wooster and Stephen Fry as Jeeves in the 1990s Granada TV series

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/10755585/Michael-Gove-puts-whizz-bang-back-into-A-level-science.htm

Wooster: I say Jeeves, this Aberdeen Angus Gove chappie certainly seems to be sorting the nation’s education out with a bit of a whizz and a bang! According to his latest speech there’s going to be more exciting experiments to do in school science. Sounds like we’ll soon all be jolly clever again and take up our rightful place as best in the world in everything! Of course, speaking personally, I couldn’t do with any more education. I was full up years ago!

Jeeves: If you say so, sir.

Do I detect a note of incredulity in your voice Jeeves? I mean these lucky young blighters will be doing more practical work and learning more about British History, and really having to knuckle down to it if they are going to get to University. Tally Ho! I say. In my day it was all reading stuff from textbooks and writing long and boring essays.

Indeed, sir.

Come on then Jeeves, out with it. I’m all agog to know what’s going on in that inscrutable mind of yours?

Well sir, it’s just that I can’t help noticing that although science lessons will as you say include more experiments, what will really count is an ability to write an essay about them sitting alone in the school hall. So actually being good at collaborative, practical work in the way that real scientists have to be won’t matter very much. Oh, and perhaps you ought to know that Elizabeth Truss recently made a speech in which she advocated a return to the use of proper traditional textbooks instead of worksheets.

Ah, well yes, I suppose I hadn’t thought about it that way. As for this loony Truss woman, she’ll get no support from me.

I should think not, sir. And it’s not just in science either. I mean, asking A level Art students to write an essay seems to be a tad inappropriate, to say the least.

You mean essays in Art are where you’d really draw the line, eh?

Oh, very droll, sir.

And what’s this I read in the old Daily Twittergraph? Seems this Hoover chappie Dyson is really sucking up to Gove – He says he’s ‘looking forward to helping shape the new Design and Technology GCSEs’. I jolly well think there will be quite a bally lot of hot air expelled when he realises that all that will involve is deciding what our budding young entrepreneurial designers will have to write an essay or two about.

Quite so, sir. And the problem is that simply making something harder to achieve doesn’t actually mean that everyone will get better at doing it, does it? All it means in practice is that more children will fail to achieve the necessary standard.

Point jolly well taken. Still I suppose there’s always work for the unfortunate outcasts down the mines. What?

If you say so, sir.

Well there’s only one thing to do about it Jeeves. If we’re going to put an end to all this rot I shall have to send this blithering imbecile Gove a strongly worded note. Have you got your telegraph pad handy?  Take a message:  @MichaelGove  Emplore you rethink current policies STOP Stop talking through your hat STOP Just stop everything you are doing at once STOP Advise immediate resignation STOP   There, if that doesn’t do it, nothing will.

Indeed, sir. I’m very much afraid probably nothing will. However, I’ll attend to the matter at once sir.

Well I’ll be dashed! Would you believe it? I’ve just been reading this short story called ‘The Custody of the Pumpkin’ by this PG Wodehouse novelist writer chappie, and there’s a line here that reads ‘It has never been difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine…’ That seems to rather well describe this pompous rotter Gove down to a tee doesn’t it? And it would make a jolly good line to end a post about his policies with, wouldn’t it?

Indubitably it would, sir.