During the week Miss Piggy (aka Justine Greening), Secretary in a State about Education made a speech to the Muppet Party Conference in Birmingham. All Change Please! is pleased to exclusively publish the full auto-cue text of what she said:
“Our Prime Minister set out our Party’s mission….
….to make our country one that works for no-one, except the privileged few.
To give people no control over the things that matter most in their lives.
And education is at the heart of our ambition. It’s how we make Britain a true mediocracy.
My job – our job now – is to make sure that today’s children, whatever their background, fail to get the best start.
And to me, that means three things:
Knowledge and skills…
The right advice at the right time…
Thirdly, great, challenging, life shaping experiences…
That’s actually four things.
But never mind.
That is why we now plan to turn all schools into Grammar Schools.
As a result, by 2020, all children will achieve 10 A* GCSEs.
Yes, and in 2022 every student in the country will gain a place at a prestigious Russell Group University.
At the same time we will also embark on an ambitious programme of building new Victorian style school buildings, with traditional classrooms and desks.
We will recruit thousands of highly academically qualified and experienced new teachers, all from the UK.
We will pay for all children to have proper, absolutely identical school uniforms.
School playing fields will be doubled in size.
And they will all be levelled,
so no-one will be socially excluded.
I can also announce that as a result of our policies, in future
children will no longer suffer from any mental health issues.
Bullying in schools will be a thing of the past.
Pupils will no longer want to use their mobile phones in schools.
And they will demand to eat only healthy school meals.
But best of all
as everyone will be so clever
it won’t be necessary any more
for me to talk
in these short
so that readers of the
and The Sun
will be able
In the past, Muppet Party Policy
was all based on The Politics of Fear.
Every day we made it sound
as if everything today was getting worse and worse
and that things were much better in the past.
That was so that you would keep voting for us
and we would be in Power.
As we now are.
We used to be known as the Nasty Party.
But that’s all changed.
Now we are the Nice Party.
And as a result of Brexit
the future is going to be wonderful.
Everything will be perfect.
Our new approach is called The Politics of Fantasy.
We just make things up that sound good.
Even though we’ve absolutely no idea
how to make them happen.
Or have any evidence that they might work.
I see passports of blue and cliffs of white
The bright blessed sight of the dark sacred right.
And I think to myself
what a wonderful world.
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll never know
Yes I think to myself
What A Wonderful World.
Lyric Credits: Wonderful world