Who’s Who in the Monstrous Tory Party?

Is this who’s really running the country?

Back as long ago as the summer of 2010 All Change Please! first broke the story that the Tory Party were in fact being run by members of International Rescue in disguise: ‘Thunderbirds are Gove’. Then in 2012 it published further startling revelations that International Rescue had quit, and been replaced by the ‘Carry On’ cast: ‘Carry On Up the Conservatives’.

Now All Change Please! is proud to announce a further scoop. Following extensive phone-tapping and email hacking, but primarily the use of Google Image search, it has discovered that our current Government actually consists of a gathering of terrifying monsters from Dr Who. They have their own time machine, known as The BORIS – its entrance cleverly disguised as the door to 10 Downing Street – though unfortunately it only travels back as far as the 1950s, and not into the future at all, and it’s much smaller-minded inside than on the outside.

What? You want proof? OK – here it is…

The first clue that alerted All Change Please! as to what was going on was a comparison of the photos below. One is of Rishi Sunak, the new Chancellor of the Exchequer. The other is the latest incarnation of The Master. But which one is which?

And then here’s the old Chancellor, Sajid Javid who in reality is quite clearly a Sontaran – a race of ruthless male-gender-only clones that prize discipline and honour. They have a stocky build and a distinctive dome-shaped head and can be regularly seen practicing a Power Stance.

These menacing, macabre versions of peg dolls with broad, blank faces appeared in ‘Night Terrors’, an episode from series Six. They turn their victims into other peg dolls in a state of living death.

When these three peg dolls emerge from behind the door at Number 10 they instantly transform into Elizabeth Truss, Nicky Morgan and Dominic Raab.

Now we get to the really evil ones. First here’s one of the Whisper Men – featureless beings, hollow on the inside and dressed in Victorian clothes. They are easily mistaken for Jacob Rees Mogg.

Meanwhile it takes two evil monstrosities – The Weeping Angels and The Gangers – working closely together to take on the form of Priti Patel.

The Weeping Angels are known to be ‘the deadliest, most powerful, most malevolent life-form evolution has ever produced.’ With a single touch, a Weeping Angel can send a person into the past to a point before his/her own birth, and can then feed off the potential energy of the years which that victim would have lived in the present. However they can only move when not being observed. So just don’t blink. Particularly if you are an immigrant.

The Gangers (above right) are clones created from living programmable matter. Due to their unstable molecules they have developed their abilities to extend their limbs and neck. Ms Patel (middle, in case you can’t tell) is clearly willing to stick her neck out – clear proof she is of alien descent.

As is well known, the country is mainly being run by two Dr Who villains in particular. The first is Lady Cassandra (above left). Her life was extended through a series of seven hundred and eight plastic surgery operations until she was nothing but a piece of skin stretched onto a frame with eyes and a mouth, connected to a brain in a jar below. She was also shown to be selfish, thick-skinned, devious and willing to sacrifice people just for profit, hence the phrase ‘the unacceptable face of capitalism’. On the way out of the Number 10 BORIS she morphs into Carrie Symonds, the PM’s current companion.

But finally – the most scary, evil, cunning monster of all that will decide our future. This one doesn’t even need to change or disguise its hideous form outside the door of Number 10 – it hides in plain sight, exactly as it is…. Demonic Cummings.

You’ve seen the evidence. It’s time to hide behind the settee and be afraid. Be very afraid.

Where are you, Doctor Who? We urgently need your help!