Emergency-Classroom 10

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All Change Please! recently found itself spending some time in the A&E department of a major regional hospital. The scene was chaotic – ambulances queuing up outside and a constant stream of patients being wheeled in on trolleys and parked two abreast in corridors as the hours ticked slowly and painfully by until their condition could be diagnosed and a place found for them on the wards. The clue is in the name: Emergency, but unless you had a life threatening condition it was more a department of Accident & Waiting. The nurses and carers were attentive, patient and dedicated, though how they can work in such a stressful environment shift after shift is a mystery. And, it being early in the morning, there weren’t even any drunks to deal with.

The scene will of course be a familiar one to anybody who has visited an A&E department, as this confirms:  Portsmouth ambulances late to two life-threatening incidents, says report.  While this one is even more shocking.

All Change Please! has to admit that whatever the current crisis is in schools in terms of forthcoming teacher-shortages, stressful SATS and the inappropriate EBacc, it pales into insignificance when compared with the current battlefield conditions in our NHS A&E departments. Just as it’s easy to blame the teachers, so it’s easy to blame the medical staff, but the real problem is essentially severe overcrowding and under-staffing – two immediate and very practical administrative and financial problems that someone somewhere should be sorting out as a major priority. As a civilised, wealthy country our citizens we shouldn’t be experiencing something no better than a Third World A&E service. Especially as by 2030, demand for A&E services is expected to rise by 57%.

Why do we allow this to happen in our most important public service? Provided we have food, warmth and shelter, our next priority is our health, followed by our security and education for our children. So why do we prioritise our desire for over-sized cars, luxury kitchen extensions and long-haul holiday travel at the expense of the dwindling provision for healthcare, the police force and schools? It just doesn’t make any sense. Why do we allow our elderly and long-term sick to suffer the way we do – especially as there’s a good chance that one day we will end up just like them? We witness the sad demise of our own parents and elderly relatives, and just accept there will be nothing better for ourselves.

And why were some 80% of the extraordinary nursing and care staff at the hospital from Europe and Asia? Without them the health system would collapse completely. Because of our ‘every child must become an Oxbridge academic‘ approach to education the UK is unable to recruit, train and retain enough staff from its own population, while at the same time failing to equip them with the necessary caring and empathetic skills, and in the ability to communicate and work in teams.

At least there’s nothing yet in schools that is the equivalent of a typical A&E department. But wait, perhaps there should be? Little Jenny only scored 2 out of 10 in her recent spelling test. Send her immediately to stand in a long queue outside Emergency Classroom 10 where her memorisation skill deficiency can be assessed by a specialist and she can be intravenously drip-fed the appropriate programme of academic study. Soon she’ll be able to spell disestablishmentarianism correctly, even though she’ll have no idea what it means and will never use the word once in her life.

Meanwhile there’s been a nasty Maths SATS pile-up and Slightly Bigger Johnny has just failed to avoid falling over and hitting his head on the expected floor standard. Sound the siren, put on the blue flashing lights, plug him into the maths rate monitor and get his mind tightly bandaged up to protect him from the real world so he can concentrate more effectively on becoming far more numerate than he will ever need to be. Unfortunately it sounds like just the sort of thing some daft future secretary of state for education might just come up with.

What’s needed is an online petition to make it a requirement for all MPs to have to spend a day once a year working in a school referral unit, an evening helping the police deal with the disorderly, and a night in A&E…

For anyone too young to remember, Emergency-Ward 10 was one of British television’s first major soap operas, shown between 1957 and 1967 on ITV

Image credit: Flickr/Greg Glarke

Way To Go?

 

If you’ve not watched it – in which case you really should – WIA is a BBC comedy satire of and about the BBC, being made for the BBC, by the BBC and by an amazing coincidence being shown on the BBC. Here, All Change Please! is proud to present its own slightly more educational version…

Voice Over: As it’s the day after yesterday and the day before tomorrow, today’s the day Nicky Moregove, Nick Bowels and Nick Glibb and various other people who are probably not as important as they’d like to think they are, are all meeting in Michael Gove, the new office suite at the Df-ingE.

Nicky Morgove: So anyway I think you should know I’ve been watching that great W1A fly-on-the-wall reality tv show. I must say it has given me a revealing insight about what it’s actually like to work at the BBC. And I really like the idea of them appointing a Director of Better.

Nick: Err.. Can I just point out that actually…

NM: No, you can’t Nick. So I was thinking we should maybe do some similar PR work to help try and convince teachers that we’re really quite normal, friendly types who want to work with them, even if we’re not. I’m mean, we’re totally listening to what they are saying, it’s just they’re not saying the right things.

Nick: Yes, but…

NM: Please be quiet Nick. As I was saying, as a result I’ve invited Perfect Curve, the same PR company that works for the BBC, here to outline in broad strokes some suggestions we can all take away with us to digest, circle back round and bring up again later. So I’ll hand you straight over to Siobhan Sharpe from Perfect Curve.

SS: Hi everyone! Thanks Nicky. Go Academies! Go Free Schools! Yeah. Well, we’ve thought about this a lot in an agile, brainstorming sort of way and kicked a whole shed load of ideas round the duck pond before coming to the conclusion that the decisions I made beforehand were the best anyway. 

So building on this new BBC post for Director of Better, we came up with this concept that it would be really cool if every school was required to appoint a Head of Better to its Senior Management Team. But then we thought, hey, well if we’re going to do that, at the same time we could rebrand the Headteacher as the Head of Outstanding, and then to establish some sort of career progression by having middle managers called Head of Good and Head of Requires Improvement. Oh, and, you’re really going to like this guys, we’re going to rename Teachers as Learning Opportunity Engineers to make it all sound a bit more sciency and researchy.

Ensemble: Yes, very strong

Ens: I’m totally good with that

Ens: Sure yeah, way cool, OK. No worries. Say Again. That’s mental.

Nick: Err, I hate to be the one to problematise things, but I’m not going to beat around the Basil Brush, but we do have a recruitment crisis in the profession you know, so I don’t know exactly where all these Super Heads of Outstanding are going to come from?

Ens: Ah yes, no, good. Very good.

SS: OK, cool, yeah well, we’ve done some major conceptualisations about that too. So the thing is like that with the DfE, in branding terms it’s really boring. It’s like politics and funding and pedagogy. I mean, who’s interested in all that stuff? So what we’re talking here is like major brand refresh surgery.

To begin with we’ve been looking at the name DfE. By adding an exclamation mark at the end – DfE! – it gives more emphasis to the E, which of course stands for Education, which is what it’s all supposed to about, even though it isn’t. Then we need to change the name a bit to make it more engaging and compelling, so in future the acronym will stand for Damn Fine Education. And then of course it’s got sound as if it’s a synergetic, collaborative, character-building sort of organisation, so, as we learnt from the 2012 Olympics, finally it needs to become Team DfE!

Ens: I so love it!

Ens: Brilliant. No brainer…

Ens: This is all going terribly well.

SS: Then of course there are the SATS. So where we’re heading on this one is like to ask the question, ‘What’s the best day of the week?’ And our focus groups all told us ‘Saturday’. So we thought: SATurday? So in future children will all attend school every SATurday specifically to take new weekly SATs. Nicky told us that kids love doing tests and showing off how much they know, so they’ll be pleased. It’s a win-win thing of course because while the teachers are looking after their children for them, hard working parents will be happy as they will be able to take on extra work to help pay their mortgages.

Ens: Ah yes, that all sounds most SATisfactory!

Ens: No way. Cool.

Ens: Totally awesome.

SS: Meanwhile using our contacts at the BBC we’ve pitched some ideas for some new TV shows to increase the profile of Learning Opportunity Engineers in the community. They’re terribly excited about ‘Strictly Come Teaching’ in which B-list celebs are paired up with classroom teachers to see how really strict they can be in classrooms up and down the country. We love Strictly! And to cover inclusion, diversity, social mobility and equality, they’re bringing back Top Of The Form, but renamed ‘Top Of The Class‘ in which children from upper, middle and lower-class backgrounds will complete against each other to see who is actually the most entitled to get to a Russell Group University.

And of course in order to be completely transparent there will be a TV mockumentary that shows what it’s really like to work as a member of Team DfE! A bit like W1A is named after the BBC’s postcode, it’s going to be called ’Sanctuary’ after the name of this building. In fact they’ve already started work on it.

Nick: Ah I wondered what that camera crew were doing over in the corner.

SS: There’s just thing left to sort out though – the show will need a suitable voice over. With W1A of course we were able to get a previous Dr Who to do it. But we thought because it’s about schools, maybe we should like get The Master to do it, but he wasn’t available. So can anyone suggest someone who’s known to be highly devious, omnipresent and obsessed with total control and domination?

NM: Yes I can – in fact I think we’re probably sitting in him right now. Well thanks Siobhan. Of course we’ll to check it out with the DC, but I’m sure he’ll be on board with it. I mean it’s all about one-nation education isn’t it?

SS: Hey wait Nicky that sounds really good – One Nation Education – we  must use that somewhere. ‘All for ONE and ONE for all’. Wow this is just so cool. Way To Go! Yay!

NM: So that’s all good then…

Voice Over – now confirmed as Michael Gove: So as the meeting ends, Nicky, Nick and Nick put away their distractive mobile phones and go off to enjoy a well earned break where they can fully digest their take-aways before their next meeting, where they hope they will be a great deal more distracted than they were at the last one. Over the next few weeks they are going to need to consider how well they will adapt when they all become wealthy, famous and respected, well-loved TV personalities. Hmm. Seeing as the whole education reform thing was my idea in the first place, it seems to me like there’s no justice in the world. But now I’m the Lord High Executioner, just you wait, I’ll be doing something about that. I’ve got a little list…they’ll none of them be missed.